why do we get in our own way? And how to move past it to create the change you desire
"Growth is the great separator between those who succeed and those who do not."
John C. Maxwell
Have you ever felt that pull deep inside you, knowing there’s a change you really want to make in your life, but somehow, you just can’t seem to take that first step? Maybe it’s to get healthier, start a new creative project, or build a new routine. You know it’s time for something different, but there’s a voice inside that says, “It’s too hard,” or “What if I fail?”
I’ve been there. And if you’ve ever felt stuck or frustrated by your own hesitation, you’re not alone. The truth is, even though we want to make change, we often end up getting in our own way. But why does this happen? Why, despite our best intentions, do we stop ourselves from moving forward?
The answer might surprise you: it’s not because we don’t care or we don’t want the change, it’s often because our brain is trying to protect us. Understanding the reasons we hold ourselves back is the first step in gently moving past those barriers and embracing the life we truly want.
Why Do We Self-Sabotage?
It might feel like we’re our own worst enemies sometimes, but the truth is, we all have unconscious patterns and fears that hold us back. Here are a few reasons why we might get stuck in the same place, even when we know a change would benefit us:
1. Fear of the Unknown: The Brain’s Natural Desire for Safety
Our brains are designed to keep us safe. And, even though change can bring us joy, growth, and new possibilities, it’s often seen as a risk. Change feels uncertain and uncertainty feels threatening to our brain, which makes us want to avoid it.
The Science Behind It:
When we’re faced with something unknown, our brain releases cortisol, the stress hormone. Cortisol triggers a “fight or flight” response, making us feel anxious or fearful. So, even if we want change, our brain might try to protect us by steering us back into what’s familiar, even if it’s not fulfilling.
How This Shows Up:
You might find yourself asking, “What if I fail?” or “What if I’m not good enough?” These thoughts are often born from that natural fear of the unknown. But the good news is, you can gently challenge these fears and take small steps forward.
2. Perfectionism: Waiting for the “Perfect” Moment
Perfectionism is another way we can get in our own way. Often, we tell ourselves that we need to have everything perfectly planned out before we take the first step, whether it’s in a new workout routine, a creative project, or even a big life change.
But perfectionism can be paralysing. It can make us feel like we have to get everything just right, or we shouldn’t try at all.
The Science Behind It:
When we strive for perfection, we often experience a rollercoaster of emotions. Dopamine, the brain's "reward" chemical, can make us feel good when we think about achieving something perfect, but when we inevitably fall short of those high standards, we feel disappointed or discouraged. This up and down emotional cycle can make it harder to take action, leaving us stuck in an endless loop of planning and never doing.
How This Shows Up:
You might think, “I’ll start when everything is perfect,” or “I need to figure it all out first.” This is perfectionism at work and it often keeps us from moving forward at all. The truth is, you don’t need everything to be perfect. You just need to take that first step, even if it’s imperfect.
3. Limiting Beliefs: The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Sometimes, the biggest roadblocks to change are the ones we create in our minds. Limiting beliefs are the stories we’ve learned to tell ourselves over time, often without realizing it. These beliefs might sound like:
"I’m not smart enough."
"I’m too old to change."
"I’ll never be good at this."
These stories keep us stuck in a place of self-doubt and fear. The problem is, these beliefs are usually not based on reality, they’re just things we’ve told ourselves over the years, sometimes subconsciously.
The Science Behind It:
Our brains form neural pathways based on repeated thoughts and experiences. The more we repeat a thought, whether positive or negative, the stronger the neural pathway becomes. So if you’ve been telling yourself for years that you’re not capable, it’s no surprise that taking action feels difficult. But here’s the good news: you can create new, empowering beliefs.
How This Shows Up:
You might find yourself thinking, “I can’t do this because I’ve never been good at it before,” or “I don’t have what it takes.” These limiting beliefs hold you back from moving forward. Start challenging those thoughts by reminding yourself that change is possible, and that small steps toward growth are worth celebrating, no matter how “perfect” they look.
4. Overwhelm: Too Many Options, Too Much Information
We live in an age of information overload. There’s a never-ending list of things we could be doing to improve ourselves, whether it’s getting fit, learning a new skill, or changing our mindset. This can quickly lead to overwhelm. When there’s too much to choose from, we often freeze and do nothing, because we don’t know where to start.
The Science Behind It:
When we’re faced with too many decisions, our prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision-making, becomes overloaded. This can lead to what’s called “decision fatigue,” which makes it even harder to take action. Essentially, our brain shuts down from too many choices, leaving us feeling stuck.
How This Shows Up:
You might feel paralysed by all the things you think you “should” be doing. The key here is to simplify. Pick one small step, and just focus on that.
How to Stop Getting in Your Own Way and Start Taking Action
Now that we understand why we sometimes hold ourselves back, it’s time to explore how we can gently move through those barriers. Here are a few heart-centered strategies to help you start taking action today:
1. Start Small and Celebrate the Wins
Big changes can feel overwhelming, so start with small, manageable steps. Instead of focusing on the end goal, commit to one small action each day. Each step you take is progress, and celebrating those small wins will build momentum and confidence.
For Example:
If you want to start exercising, commit to just 10 minutes a day. If you want to read more, start with 5 pages a day. Little actions add up over time and lead to big changes. Progress is progress, no matter how small it seems.
2. Shift Your Mindset: Embrace Imperfection
The pursuit of perfection can often be a form of self-sabotage. Instead of waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect plan, give yourself permission to take imperfect action. You’re not looking for perfection—you’re looking for progress.
For Example:
If you want to start a creative project, don’t wait until you have everything figured out. Just start. Write a paragraph, sketch an idea, record a quick video. The important thing is to take that first step.
3. Reframe Limiting Beliefs: Believe in Your Potential
It’s time to change the story you’ve been telling yourself. Whenever a limiting belief pops up, ask yourself, “Is this really true?” More often than not, the answer is no. Instead, choose to believe that you are capable of change, and that every step you take no matter how small is a step toward growth.
For Example:
If you’ve been telling yourself, “I’m not good enough to do this,” replace it with, “I am learning and growing every day, and I have what it takes to succeed.”
4. Simplify and Focus
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a step back and simplify your goals. Pick one thing that feels right for you, and focus on that. Once you begin, clarity often follows. It’s okay to take things one step at a time.
For Example:
If you’re unsure where to start in making a change, ask yourself: “What’s one small thing I can do today to move closer to my goal?” And then, just do that.
You Deserve the Change You Seek
The journey to creating the life you want doesn’t have to be overwhelming or perfect. It just needs to be intentional and compassionate. By starting small, embracing imperfection, challenging limiting beliefs, and simplifying your approach, you can overcome the barriers that are holding you back.
Remember: You are capable of making the changes you desire. The first step is always the hardest, but once you take it, the path will begin to unfold in ways you might never have imagined.
So, take a deep breath, trust yourself, and begin. The life you’re dreaming of is waiting for you, and you have everything you need to get there.